being a fan: a hazardous occupation

baseball fieldI love watching soccer; watched every soccer match I could in the Olympics. But, especially in Europe, I won’t attend the games in person because the fans get so crazy that people have been beaten and trampled after a game. Now it looks like American baseball is joining the ranks. This morning (9/8/13) it was announced that a Dodgers fan was killed during a fight with Giants fans in Los Angeles. All the time the Dodgers were in booming bumptious Brooklyn, nothing like this ever happened, even in the Subway Series. Maybe the Dodgers should come home.

soccer player - wild

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an old woman before her time

 

Senior woman contemplatingShe can wake up at any hour between seven AM and noon, and never knows which it will be unless she has the rare appointment. If that appointment is before one in the afternoon, she sets her alarm clock for seven AM, just to remind herself. They’re just appointments with doctors and clinics, so it’s economically wise not to miss them. She rarely goes to bed before eleven, and often, even if she does, she tosses and turns until two or three. Naps in the afternoon, born from boredom, can last twenty minutes to three hours. Some weeks she sleeps all the time; other weeks she can’t sleep a wink.

A person alone gets old faster than a person with family, friends or things to do. She gets up and tries to establish routines to keep going. Each day she dresses, puts on makeup and jewelry and makes her bed, as if someone might come over and actually see her. Each Friday she marks another week survived, but for what reason she doesn’t know. Perhaps simply fear of the pain of suicide.

Without money, none of the events offered for lonely people are affordable. Heck, food is not affordable, nor gas to go anywhere. There is nothing to do but sit at home and wait for another day to pass.

Without family or friends, the free things she could enjoy are empty. They should be shared. Walking to the mailbox is simply a practice to see what the outside world is like.

Who cares? Not even she.

The dog lover in me

dog lover-1I love dogs. I really do. Decades of having those furry little beasts run up to me when I get home; rolling on the living room floor together on a Saturday afternoon; getting slobbery kisses; teaching them to fall down ‘dead’ when I point a finger and say “Bang!”; watching them bounce when it’s time for the Sunday afternoon canned food… so many warm memories. They are loyal and loving, more a family member than many relatives we avoid.

And it’s because I love dogs that I care for them religiously – good food; keep their shots up to date; register them; groom and bathe them. And above all I keep them on a leash whenever they cross the threshold of my house.

The leash keeps my dog from getting into fights with other dogs, chasing the occasional cat, and getting lost in bad weather. Above all, it protects my dog from Mel.dog lover-2

Mel is a friend of mine who is normally very nice. But he has a thing about loose dogs that dig in his garden, mess on his lawn, and steal hamburgers off his grill. Mel has a sort of progressive list of actions he’ll take. I’ve known him to do a couple of them, but never could prove that a dog’s disappearance was due to some of the more extreme acts on Mel’s list. He talks about these things after a few beers, and it’s hard to tell if it’s wishful thinking, drunken confession or simply his dark sense of humor.

If Mel recognizes the dog, he’ll usually call the owner; after all, it could have been an accidental escape. If it keeps recurring, he will call the pound and have the dog collected. He keeps a BB gun handy and aims for an animal’s flank, so that they go limping home. He has calculated how long a medium-sized dog can survive in the trunk of a car. Mel and his wife have nice warm fur coats in the winter – but I’m not sure of the source of the pelts. I will also not attend his “mystery meat” barbeques — you never know…

Mel has daydreamed about tying a dog to a passing semi. He has even suggested that the little yappers make excellent greyhound racing ‘rabbits’. According to him, large dogs make very popular den rugs. Incidences of poisoned animals have been suggested to trace back to Mel. He has mentioned as well that kidnapped dogs sell well on the black market, especially the pure breeds.

The ideas that pop out of Mel’s mouth during a Friday night poker game give me the willies.

And this is why I keep my dogs on leashes whenever they go out! I love them and want them to live long, happy and healthy lives.

Paddington

Paddington

Dear Gabby – the disappearing relationships

Two more real-life conversations between people and an online relationship coach

gabby-2-1Gabby: Hello. How can I help you?

Andy: I’ve been dating this girl for 4 years but it had been an on-off relationship since last year. We supposed to spend Christmas and News year together but one week before Christmas she asked me a question that I already answered twice before two months ago. I refused to answer so she stopped all communication I did not call either. She suddenly sent me a text two days for my birthday wishing me well the best. I did not text back. what should I do just ignore her?

Gabby: What was the question you wouldn’t answer?

Andy: I just sent you the question

Gabby: ? I’m asking about the question she asked one week before Christmas.

Andy: Oh she asked where I had to go when her mother came to visit.

Andy: I couldn’t meet with her mother

Gabby: Are you two living together?

Andy: nope

Gabby: Then I don’t understand – why would you need to go somewhere when her mother visited?

Andy: I had to go work out of state, I told her that day and after

Andy: but suddenly that was asked again after two months

Gabby: Sounds like she is not listening to you – her mind is elsewhere.

Andy: but why stopping all communication? weird?

Andy: your opinion?

Gabby: My opinion is that the two of you have drifted apart over the last year and the relationship is over.

Gabby: She appears to want to remain friends – the birthday message.

Andy: she break up because i did answer a question weird

Andy: i did not answer seem like an excuse

Andy: from her

Gabby: Yeah, I think so.

Gabby: How do you feel about the relationship being over?

Andy: well, I was expecting that because most relationship has a time limit

Andy: So ill move on

Gabby: That might be a good idea. Some relationships just seem to wither away, with no one actively trying to patch them up.

Gabby: Since you don’t seem to be overly concerned, perhaps you would be able to remain friends?

Andy: Nope…. I’m not interested…

Andy: the fact she used an excuse

Andy: turn me off

Gabby: Well, I guess you should just go on with your life. You don’t seem too upset about it.

Andy: thanks

Gabby: …. Happy New Year

 

And …gabby-2-2

Gabby: Hello. How can I help you?

Patty: I want my ex back

Gabby:Why?

Patty: we were together for 4yrs we have so much in common, we click and know each other well

Gabby: What caused the breakup?

Patty: he said he needed to be single for a while, he needed to sort things out so I gave that to him

Patty: then 3 weeks later i googled him and he’s with another woman already? i was in shock complete shock

Patty: I just don’t understand how he could get into a relationship so quickly

Gabby: You shouldn’t be shocked – why do you think he wanted to be single?

Patty: his words were so he could focus on his job and he’s just started at his new gym…

Gabby: Well, he was thoughtful enough not to say he met another woman he wanted to pursue.

Patty: then he rings me one afternoon and he was crying on the phone ive never heard him cry ever and he said I’m sorry I’m so sorry i miss you I miss you so much, where are you, how’s pop’ I’m sorry you can ring me later I have to go??? I don’t understand

Patty: no he never told me about her, I found it when I googled him and that’s when he rung me the next day

Gabby: Did he find out you googled him?

Patty: yes I emailed him and said ‘how could you do this to us, you said you wanted to be single and then you hook up with someone it hasn’t even been a month, does our 4yrs mean nothing to you’ he rung the next day

Gabby: So he’s hedging his bets. He wants to keep you on hold while he checks out someone else.

Gabby: I calls them like I sees them.

Patty: but I don’t think I’d ever take him back after that, I could never trust him. he keeps in touch with my daughter. I still love him and miss him but that’s not why I want him back, we just insync I guess its called

Patty: or is that not to great in a relationship when you know your previous partner to well?

Gabby: You should always know your partner well. However, in one breath you say you want him back, then in another you say you don’t think you’d ever take him back.

Patty: I’m not the type of person to just go out and sleep with the first guy that passes my way, and never thought he was like that either, may be I didn’t know him as well as i thought I did

Patty: oh lol yes I do want him back, just how will I ever trust him, like what if he were to go back to her? and i would be none the wiser

Gabby: He has proven himself untrustworthy, both in lying to you and going off with another woman.

Patty: we just agreed on soooo many things, he was my other half. I have no animosity against this other lady, it’s more so I can’t believe he got together with her so fast.

Gabby: He works in a gym — lots of hard bodies there to tempt a guy. I’m glad he’s maintaining a relationship with your daughter – she should be let down easy.

Patty: hmmm he always told me i was the one. he broke the girls hearts to and then he rings me apologising im completely at a loss

Patty: no he goes to the gym he don’t work there. but yes rest of your statement is correct

Gabby: Well, it could have been cold feet. But the question is can you forgive and forget?

Patty: yes I can.

Patty: i have forgiven him and I am trying my hardest to forget him even doing meditation units

Gabby: Does he want to come back?

Patty: I have no idea he hasn’t spoken to me since he phoned up crying, ive asked my dauahter not to mention him to me when he emails just for now because its still hurting like hell

Gabby: How long ago was this call?

Patty: the two older girls are going through a hate period of him, he’s a good guy like he’s very caring he was when he was with us, ummm they want nothing to do with him. he tore them apart

Patty: last saturday

Patty: at around 3:15 i think

Gabby: Well, he’s not rushing back. Still wants both pieces of cake.

Patty: hmmmm its not healthy. I need to focus on me and carry on. I’m not carrying on straight into a relationship though to much emotions to sort through

Paula is typing…

Patty: what would you suggest?

Gabby: I agree with you; time to move on. Return to your path and help your daughters heal.

Gabby: He can’t have both of you, make that clear.

Patty: nice yes that’s what i think I will do.

Gabby: After 4 years, he has to fish or cut bait.

Patty: oh he’s not having me not after that

Patty: when he asked for a break I said ‘ummm u so we’re finished

Gabby: Then you’ve answered your own question, haven’t you?

Patty: e said no I just want a break I said ‘oh we’re finished, either you’re with me or you’re not’ then he said he wants to be single so I gave it

Gabby: Then shall we delete your opening statement that you want him back?

Patty: lmao omg I’m such an idiot lol

Patty: I’m soooo sorry

Patty: may be just needed to hear it from someone else

Patty: I feel like a fool

Gabby: LOL. Sometimes you just need a mirror. Trust your own instincts. You have a lot to do just raising 3 girls.

Patty :lol yes . yes I know what I have to do, just heal my girls love them completely be the best I can be for them.

Gabby: Giving your kids love has a much better return than giving a 2-timer love.

Patty: absolutely…

Patty: thank you Gabby: so much

Patty: just for listening to me I needed that

Gabby: You’re very welcome.

Patty: take care

Dear Gabby – the built-in victim

Gabby-5Sometimes it’s just a question of perspective. Other times it’s simply blindness.

 

Gabby: Hello. How can I help you?

Annie: I feel so confused

Gabby: Aren’t we all?

Gabby: What is confusing you?

Annie: I met this guy online he approached me, and my intentions at the time was only to have friends nothing serious

Annie: We talked for about 2-3 weeks, he was always sweet and interested in what’s going on with me

Annie: If I was tired or said my feet hurt next morning he’d ask did I rest how my feet felt and how he wish he could rub them for me

Annie: He talked to me everyday…he is an undercover narcotics detective and told me from jump he hardly does any thing for fun, and since he’s alone he works a lot , but when he has someone he likes to chill at home

Annie: The 3rd week of talking I had been sick , n missed some work days n was stressed cuz I was short on my rent…

Annie: He sensed I was quiet n something was wrong n asked, told him I was just stressed! he asked y told him cuz I was trying to do double work days the next couple days cuz I was short on my rent

Annie: At that point he said he had to go do a search warrant,but cooled he call me when he got off at 10…he would never contact me late and had been perfect gentlemen…I said ok

Gabby: So far so good …

Annie: 9:45 he started texting me saying he wasn’t getting off at 10, but wanted to know how much $ I was short

Annie: I didn’t look at my texts cuz Iw as on the phone, he texted a few more times saying hello? How much are u short baby.?

Annie: Finally I saw his mags n told him I was only $250 short, but I was doing what I haas to do to get it,

Annie: All along since I had been sick he had been saying I need to take time to rest, but I knew I could not I had to get $

Annie: So he asked when I needed $ by told him the 5th, and it was the 3rd at that time

Gabby: I’m afraid I can see where ths is gong.

Annie: I told him I appreciate the offer but didn’t want to owe him, he said I didn’t say loan you the money I said I would give

Annie: I told him I appreciate the offer but didn’t want to owe him, he said I didn’t say loan you the money I said I would give We had not met in person at this point yet, and I was little unsure…about taking the money but really was sick and tired

Annie: so I went on and said okay, but being the person i am I still worked because I didnt know if I could count on him

Annie: the next evening he asked what I was doing and said, not working I hope, cause I told you I got that for you tomorrow, you need to rest

Gabby: How was he toget the money to you?

Annie: So at that point I did stop working and went and rest…the next morning at 7:30

Annie: he text me saying he would bring the money to me about 9, at 9 he texted me to ask where he had to bring it

Annie: I had already verified he was who he said he was thru the sheriff’s website for county, so I let him bring it to my place

Annie: he came, he gave me the money, we sat and talked for about 10 minutes, he was perfect gentlemen, didn’t even try to hug me

Annie: when he left I sent him a text thanking him again, and he said, I just wanted to put you at ease so you could stop stressing and get well

Annie: then I said I hope you weren’t disappointed in meeting me in person, (I am super conscious of my size because in the last 3 years I had gained over 150 pounds, but am currently losing it and had always been small)..he said no I like everything I saw, I love a thick red woman…

Annie: (oh and he lives/works in a neighboring town about 45 min away, so he drove a ways to bring me the $)

Annie: we continued to text and he never mentioned the money again…didn’t make me feel I owed him anything at allGabby-6

Annie: but we did say we both wanted to see each other again…so about 10 days later he came by, and visited for about 1.5 hours and…we did get a lil sexual…but he only ate me…he said he did not want to have a quickie with me or make me feel he thought I owed him, so he only wanted to satisfy me

Annie: he did that hugged and kiss me and left,…but we actually talked the first hour…

Annie: we continued to talk just as we had..but we started sexting…and we kept saying we wanted to see each other again

Annie: well all along I knew he was at work almost ALWAYS when we talked…he works like 4 am to 11 pm- 2 am at times…

Annie: there are only 3 narcs in his county and 2 of them are in another state on an assignment, plus he is the head narc with most experience so he works alot even when they are here

Annie: long story short…we both kept hinting about seeing each other but neither out right saying it

Annie: so finally one day I told him, it seems neither of us wants to be the aggressor

Annie: and I told him, I was a bit old fashion and prefer him take the lead, so then he said okay well, we can see each other Monday if that’s good with you…it was

Annie: well Monday came, he ends up texting me he had to do something for work

Annie: we made plans repeatedly and something always came up

Annie: but he would be initiating the plans, and he would assure me it was work, and talk to me all thru those times as he could at work…

Annie: couple times he sent me pics of what he was doing…like one of the night he had to cancel, he got stuck doing detail for a festival til 2 am…he sent me pics of what all was happening at the festival that night as he talked to me

Annie: its a month later now, and we have only seen each other once since he gave me the money

Annie: at one point I told him I felt I should back off because I am going thru a nasty divorce and the restraining order was up on my ex, and I didn’t want him in the middle of my issues with the ex cause i had not idea what he might do, and I was denied the extension on my order

Annie: and I told him please don’t be mad at me or hate me for pulling awy

Annie: he sent me message that he was not mad and would never hate me, he just hated I was going to let the ex have control over my life, and that he would still be right here for me if and when I needed him, and pushing away is not what he wanted but he respected me

Gabby: I hate to be a wet blanket, but at best he prefers sexting to sex – not unusual; it’s like the lure of phone sex. This type of man does not want the insecurity of a real relationship.

Annie: finally after he continued that conversation a lil longer saying he not scared of my ex, with his line of work he used to that kind of thing and had no problem being there for me thru the issues if i let him be

Annie: but I can’t say that because before the money or sexting we both had said we don’t have multiple sex partners, and we didn’t want casual sex we wanted a relationship

Annie: we both have teenage daughters we are rasing alone, and we don’t want them seeing people coming and going in our place, we try to set good example for our girls

Annie: he also told me it had been a long time since he had anything but his hand…because he didn’t mess with hoochies and tramps

Annie: he wanted more

Gabby: Annie, I think you need some light on the possibilities.

Annie: after a few cancels I asked him, what exactly are you looking for cuz u confuse me

Annie: he said, a woman to me be my friend, my woman, and freak…and I think I have found her

Gabby: For one thing, thanks to the anonymity of the Internet, he could easily have looked up the same county site you did and adopted the name. A real narc wouldn’t have a picture there.

Annie: I jokingly said lucky lady, would like to meet her one day, he said look int eh mirror baby

Annie: he does deputy work in his county, and detective, his undercover stuff he does in other cities in the state that are near by….

Gabby: I know narcs – he wouldn’t be telling you all this

Annie: but they didn’t just have a pic of him on the site…I found on their website a pic of when they were they honored officers who are vets for veterans day, and that where I found his pic

Gabby: Second, he can tell you he’s doing anything – and relying on the “job” to keep you from checking up on him.

Annie: I also found another in the annual criminal report for his county of him being given a plaque for DEA for outstanding work

Annie: I fear that at times

Annie: I also went to one those sites you can run a background on a person and paid for one…and have his address

Annie: past work, and everythign he told me added up to the report I paid for

Gabby: The fact that he keeps breaking up meetings suggests he prefers sexting. And with that your size doesn’t matter – he’s getting off on the words.

Annie: he has sent me pics of his daughter and her first name, which is unique and I knew what town he was in so I found his daughter on facebook and got more info about him thru that

Annie: earlier this week he admitted to me he was concerned about doing more than just eating me right now, because he was afraid since it’s been so long he would cum to fast

Annie: and I would be disappointed

Gabby: Keep inmind that you are insecure while carrying the extra weight.

Annie: since that conversation we didn’t really make plans, but I had court with the ex yesterday, and he checked on me constantly then right bout the time I got home, he checked in and asked if I was ok, I told him yes, he said damn shame you not home right now I’m passing by your place…I said oh but I am home, got here few minutes ago, then he asked are the kids there

Annie: told him yes, but I didn’t mind him just coming say hello while there were home, he said okay, soon as I’m done I will pass by

Gabby-7Annie: abut 2 hours pass, and I start thinking okay, how long he gonna be cause I have things to go do..so I texted him and asked was he gonna be a while, he said yes cause I’m in a meeting…

Gabby: OK, I think we’re getting to the crux of the matter now..

Annie: so i went did what I had to do, then about 2 hours after that he text me asking what I was doing, told him just leaving dealership for my truck, he asked if they had been able fix the prob…as he knew about it alredy

Annie: told him I had to order the part first…

Annie: after that I heard nothing else from him, I was really pissed that he didn’t even say he would not make it this time and I sent the message, same shit different day, at least you consistent on not showing up

Annie: haven’t heard from him and I haven’t said anything

Gabby: It’s good that you did your homework and we at least know who he is. But now you need to determine what kind of person he is.

Annie: normally every morning he says good morning baby. how was your night

Annie: a few times when he got tied up with work its been later in the day he talked to me

Annie: I don’t know if you look at astrology signs in relationships

Annie: but he is a cancer, and everything he has said and done fits perfect with what I have read n cancers

Annie: they are wrapped in their work, slow to take the first step asking you out, but very loyal and caring, and protective

Annie: and he has been all that…

Annie: it even said that getting his time after hours (after work) may be hard at first but once you do, you probably have them hooked and they love hard, and are faithful

Annie: he also had told me when he came to the house with the money, how tired he was because they can’t take any day off hardly betwen November and New Years, and he only had 2 scheduled days off

Annie: I had hoped to see him those days but he spent them with his daughter as they coincided with the weekend of her mothers death the week before xmas and he said she always gets down then, and depressed and attempted suicide one year so he stays close to her at that time.

Annie: so he texted me constantly saying what he was doing with her, they went xmas shopping, and cooked together for the holiday, opened gifts, and then he had to go back to work xmas eve , then he was off xmas day…so he ws off the eve of the eve, and xmas day, and he spent it with her, but texted me all day

Annie: I told him at one point, I was suspicious that he may have someone at home since he don’t talk a lot after he off from work, he said I just be tired as hell, and try to spend a lil time with Danielle (daughter) and get some sleep baby, but its no one in my life but Danielle…so after that he face timed with me at bed time so I could see he was alone

Annie: he said he wanted me to be comfortable and know that he was being honest

Annie: I got so mad this morning I cause he didn’t say anything yesterday, and he did say anything this morning that i went and deleted him as my friend on the site we met on

Annie: I deleted his pics and stuff from my phone and his contact info

Annie: and now I’m feeling like am I over reacting–and then I keep saying he hasn’t gotten

anything out of this, he gave me money, he ate me and didn’t get any satisfaction for himself….I have not given him anything or done anything for him

Gabby: So let me get this straight – you sent him a mean text, then burned all your bridges just because he hasn’t contacted you in 24 hours??

Annie: but on the other hand I feel like am I being foolish cuz I keep wanting to see him and get excited and be wating on him, only not to come thru

Annie: not quite 24 hours, but because I feel he was so cold didn’t even say he wasn’t coming and that is what he did the last 3 cancellations, didn’t say anything

Annie: and both times , i let him know I can be understanding that things come up with work, and I know he is doing a ton of OT, but at least pick up phone and say I won’t make itGabby-8

Gabby: I don’t think your request for notification is unreasonable. But like you I find some of his behavior unacceptable and suspicious.

Annie: and I did get a lil mean one of those times, but I went back about an hour later before he replied and apologized and told him I was just hurt…starting for feel like he see me as desperate and just gonna be there whenever he find time for me, and he not care how I feel, told him he confuses me cause while he makes me feel so safe and like I he is sincere and cares so much, he keep standing me up and I feel if he really want to see me, he would make the time, I told I feel like you spitting a good game to me at this point

Annie: his reply was I am sincere and do care a lot, I am tired as hell I am the only narc working right now, and doing deputy work too, I just worked 28 hours, I am not spitting game, I want you and to see you just as much bleve me please

Annie: I do know he hates to disappoint, and a couple times when he has he didn’t speak first after I let him know I was disappointed, but then after I went on mid day and said hello to him then he talked and went back to normal

Annie: right now I’m feeling like, I know he not gonna respond cause I’m sure he feels I’m mad at him…but i don’t want to text first cuz he stood me up and didn’t even tell me anything a 3rd time n a row when I just told him 2 times, I can accept him getting caught up but communicate with me

Gabby: Annie, may I give you some advice?

Annie: please that’s why I am here

Gabby: You are very vulnerable now due to going through a divorce. Nice attention from him is exciting – but not enough.

Gabby: If your husband wouldn’t give you the money for rent, this makes the narc seem even nicer.

Gabby: But you are aggressive in this relationship – you feel guilty about the money.

Annie: crazy thing is i feel like my feeling have gotten involved, I really like him and care for him a lot…and wanted this to work, everything I have seen he is a good country boy

Annie: my ex always tells me no one gonna want my fat ass for anything more than sex, and that is how I feel kinda when he stands me up, but then, I have the reality that we have not had sex, and he keeps saying he wants more than sex with me, and he is going to give me more than that…I been trying to stay patient and see what changes after the New Year, but lost my cool yesterday….I had said since he would start getting off days again after the new year would give him thru Jan to show me differently, but I just don’t wanna be a fool and keep being there and he really just playing games

Gabby: I think you should lay back – get on with your life. He will contact you sooner or later. When he does, tell him you can’t handle the constant disappointment and will repay the money.

Annie: and he’s always asking me if I have what I need, and saying tell him if I need help cuz a closed mouth don’t get fed,

Annie: I started to just mail the money to his precinct and not talk to him any more

Annie: but I don’t want to throw away what could be good and he is actually sincere

Annie: I think paying him back will anger him at this point…

Gabby: I’m not concerned about him at this point; I’m concerned that you are in a delicate state and are going to get hurt. Don’t send money to the precinct — it could get him in trouble.

Annie: and now I’m feeling like am I over reacting–and then I keep saying he hasn’t gotten anything out of this, he gave me money, he ate me and didn’t get any satisfaction for himself….I have not given him anything or done anything for him

Annie: I feel crazy cuz all we have is a phone connection, but I feel like I love him to a degree

Annie: I feel stupid when he doesn’t keep dates

Annie: he doesnt know I have his home address…so I don’t know how else to get it to him

Gabby: Remember he’s a rebound – you are not in a position to make such a judement right now.

Annie: I have tried a few times to just not talk to him any more, but he keeps textin me, and I go ahead and answer

Annie: I have always been the one take care of deadbeat guys in relationships and he is first to actually care and do for me

Gabby: You need this time to get your affais in order — finances, diet, work, even what you want in a relationship. BTW – your husband was saying what he thought would keep you under control; it has nothing t do with reality.

Annie: oh proudly I have lost 76 pounds and counting

Gabby: You can’t spin from one pole to another until you get your gyroscope working.

Gabby: GOOD FOR YOU!

Annie: I knew what you saying to be true and that was y I was only looking for friends to hang out occasionally when I joined the site I met him on, he just drew me in so much with his kindness and caring ways

Annie: now I’m finding it hard to let it go

Annie: feels good having somone care…my ex treated me like shit always cheating and putting me down….

Annie: it’s been over year I left ex, just legal proceedings started recently due to money

Gabby -9Gabby: All I’m saying is that you need to create some space between you and the narc, so you can see if this is a good relationship or not. There are a lot of nice guys out there who do want to take care of you and actually BE with you. This is no time to settle.

Annie: narc is Davin

Annie: should I at least apologize for being ugly

Gabby: Be cautious if someone always says the right thing. Don’t view it in black and white – sex or no contact. Make friends with him and protect your back.

Gabby: If your behavior was normal for you, don’t apologize — he has to take the good with the bad.

Annie: I feel bad about it, its normal for me furious when I’ve been really hurt or wronged…but its also norm for me when I calm down and realize how ugly I was to try to make it right, not take back that I felt hurt just that 2 wrongs don’t make a right

Gabby: Well, that’s something you can work on now, separately — it’s your problem, not Davin’s.

Annie: so don’t apologize for being mean?

Annie: just leave it alone and not speak to him ever again at this point

Gabby: If you must apologize, say it’s for overreacting, but your actual complaint is still valid.

Annie: if not going to speak to him again, I plan to block him from contacting me, cause I know it will be hard for me to ignore him

Gabby: You’re thinking black & white again — why not keep texting? When he offers to meet, say not at this time – you don’t want to be disappointed. Be polite, but avoid sexting, so you can get an idea of what he is really after.

Annie: I already stopped sexting 2 weeks ago, and told him I was not going to any more

Gabby: This way he can devote himself to getting his work done while you can devote time to yourself and your children. Take the hiatus.

Gabby: Keep it friendly

Annie: ok, I know that’s gonna be hard for me, that y I felt cut him off so I not give into agreeing to see him

Annie: but I also felt cutting him off with out saying y is mean

Annie: but the angry me…didn’t care at the time I was about to block him after the mean message I sent, but the curious me wanted to know if he was going to respond so I didn’t block him

Gabby: You’ve got the backbone, girl – use it. Just keep yourself under control rather than running away.

 

 

Published in Hub Pages 5/3/2015

 

Dear Gabby – adventures of an online relationship advisor

These are actual conversations. Typing and grammar have been corrected enough to make the statements understandable. Dear Gabby went unpaid for this service; the people with the problems did pay someone to talk with her.

gabby-1The Psychotic Girlfriend

Gabby: Hello. How can I help you?

Larry: psychotic girlfriend/ break u

Larry: I need some advice on my current relationship. I need to end it but don’t know how

Gabby: are you asking how to break up with a psychotic girlfriend?

Larry: yes basically she has beat me up about 5 times like split my eye brows and broke my nose

Gabby: Nasty lady.

Gabby: Did she beat you up because you tried to break up?

Larry: no. this is past experience.

Gabby: What do you think she would do if you just told her you wanted to break up?

Larry: kick the nut out of me.

Gabby: Does she live near you?

Larry: I live with her

Gabby: You’re really in deep.

Larry: I know

Gabby: Are there any police records or hospital records of the beatings?

Larry: yes but she played dumb and got me done!

Larry: I’m in the UK and the police aren’t exactly great here

Gabby: “got you done”???

Larry: got me arrested after she hit me! with a wine bottle 6 times

Gabby: on what grounds?

Larry: just because we had both been drinking that night. to keep the peace they placed me in a cell on grounds of being drunk. (she is prone to violence when she has been drinking)

Larry: I was not even drunk

Gabby: They may have done that to protect you.

Larry: yes but did not feel like that.

Gabby: In the US, battered women can ‘hide out’ in special shelters. Battered men can as well.

Larry: we have them in the UK as well but i am trying to avoid that as she knows where all my family live.

Gabby: Well, you have to get out of there, physically. Then get a restraining order on her. You want to be away from her when the RO is delivered to her.

Larry: yes i agree but i am scared it will make things worse. she will continue on if not at me but my family. She’s a nasty piece of work and has caused me no end of trouble. i got a place to go to out of town. but i fear she will torment or even damage my dad/ dads property

Larry: I’ve had to sneak onto the pc at 5 just so she wouldn’t know. I’m really at end of my options now.

Gabby: Find a women’s shelter near you and tell them your tale. They know ways to handle such a mess.

Gabby: Does she work? Do you?

Larry: she does and I do. but I work for her grandad after she forced me to quit my job

Lynd is typing…

Gabby:  Is there any time where she is at work but you are free?

Larry: yes there is but we only have one set of keys we have a thob that lets u into our complex

Larry: and can only have one per household

Larry: if i leave with keys she will definitely kill me! :/

Gabby: How does she normally get the keys from you?

Larry: I am in 9/10 times as I’m not allowed to see my friends just work really or shopping

Larry: or when I have to get her drugs

Gabby: Okay, when you are loose, walk into the women’s center and talk to them. Be sure you have enough time to get back to the flat if you need to.

Larry: ok thank you for the advice I had no where else to turn too so thank you

Gabby: You’re very welcome. At least you are aware of the situation. Get out as soon as you can — there are people who know what you can do and how you can get free safely.

Larry: thanks again have a nice day/evening

Gabby: Try to get some sleep; I hope it works out and soon!

 

 

gabby-2The Enabler

 

Gabby: Hello. How can I help you?

Amy: :my boyfriend has been going thru financial hard times for some time now and I support him because I know he would do the same for me

Amy: and now it’s like I want to be taken out and not pay for anything and just you know be treated

Gabby:  In other words, you’re tired of supporting him?

Amy: i know he cannot right now and with the holidays coming he has been asking me for a lot more things he needs and it’s not that i don’t want to i do i feel appreciated but holidays my birthday are coming and I wanna feel special and given something nice

Gabby:  A natural desire. Do you get the impression that he’s not making any effort to get work as long as he has you for income?

Amy: I don’t make a ton of money but I do for him what I can in his time of need and I don’t wanna put the stress on him about taking me cuz I know like it’s really bothering him

Amy: he does try but I think he can try harder he’s a barber so he has a few of his faithful customers come to him every so often

Gabby:  A barber is a fine profession. Still, it seems that this relationship is very one-sided.

Amy: but I’m his girlfriend and I wanna be courted and do things together

Amy: he’s expressed and asked if I’m tired of supporting him but i said no cuz I know everyone faces hard times

Gabby:  Your need for a little courting is natural. After all, you’re not even his wife; it’s not like you two are facing all of life together.

Amy: and I don’t do things for him because I’m expecting a return but it’d be nice if we could like go on date

Gabby:  It concerns me that instead of finding even some part-time work to get you something, he is asking for more.

Amy: very true but he has proposed to me and yes I know he ask for things he needs he has only told me one want

Amy: I never really express to him what I need because I do for myself or what I want because I know it bothers him the he can’t do right now

Gabby:  The longer a person is out of work, the harder it is to keep in the battle. This is happening all over the world — but people find new and different paths if one has been blocked off.

Amy: I Agree

Gabby:  Tell him you want a diamond ring for Christmas. Let’s see how much is just quieting down the worker and how much is sincere.

Amy: it seems like he has kind of lost his motivation and I don’t know if he’s scared to get back out there or what

Amy: and I find myself to be a content person with all that i have and giving all the time is nice to just get back a thank you or a i really appreciate that

Gabby:  I think you’re right on both counts – motivation is lost, and he is scared. And you are enabling him by supporting him.

Amy: so how do help him with his motivation but not make him feel like I just abandon him but me also not enabling the behavior cuz how I feel is if I love you what’s my own is yours and if I have so will you

Amy: I encourage him and try to help him better his self but the motivation for himself is just not there

Amy: and I think motivation is the most attractive thing in a man and he had that once b4 when he was pursuing me

Gabby:  I think it’s important that he is not thanking you or appreciating all you do. You know the song R-E-S-P-E-C-T”? . The current situation is too comfortable and safe to get him moving.

Amy: yes I know the song

Amy: we don’t live together he lives with his parents and so do I I’m 21 and he’s 22

Gabby:  How about a trial separation, since you don’t want to lose respect for him, and you need for him to have more respect for you? I think it’s time for some tough love.

Amy: yes but I don’t want him to feel abandoned but yet know he has me in his corner

Gabby:  You can be on the pep squad without being the team owner

Amy: lol right I want to be the cheer leader

Gabby:  Tell him that.

Amy: yes and that will open up the conversation

Gabby:  Aren’t his parents putting any pressure on him to help out with expenses?

Amy: definitely and that’s where the little money he does get go to

Amy: and we’ve been going thru the normal relationship issues as well and I know it’s dawning on him about not being able to court me or whatever because he said he can’t afford a girlfriend right now and he doesn’t just want us to break up

Gabby:  Well, young lady, it looks like you have things in perspective now. You certainly don’t want to get any deeper into the relationship with this pattern.

Amy: what pattern??

Gabby:  Him living off you

Amy: we’ve been together for about 4 years now and just this last year things got tough

Amy: yes definitely NOT but he was not like this b4

Gabby:  Until he gets his situation corrected, only do free things — walk in the park, listen to music, have dinner at each other’s house and so on.

Amy: we do those things and do have lots of fun just in company together

Amy: I don’t know the last time we went on a date

Gabby:  So don’t break up — just keep it that your money is yours, and his money (or lack of it) is his problem, not yours.

Gabby:  Tell him you want to save money up, maybe for your wedding, and not just throw it down a bottomless well.

Amy: yes i got it I just dread the conversation idk why

Gabby:  It sounds like you two were friends. If you take money out of the equation, then at worst you will still have a good friend.

Gabby:  I like your idea of opening with the statement that you want to be a cheer leader.

Amy: right and i think that’s the perfect way to put it to him

Gabby:  Well have a good night’s sleep and tackle this over the weekend.

Amy: Yes and thank you.

 

gabby-3The revolving door

Gabby: Hello. How can I help you?

Andy: hello, me and my boyfriend has been dating for a year now and

Gabby: and?

Andy: we always breaking up, and he came back to me last time we broke up I took him back, everything was going well until he decided to start ignoring my phone calls

Gabby: This does not sound like a healthy relationship.

Andy: I texted him to ask him what was going on he said he needed a break but he still loves me

Andy: he said he doesn’t want to break up cause he loves but he just want a break

Gabby: The constant breakups suggest that you two are incompatible. We can love someone and still not be able to live with the person.

Andy: yes I understand. but I feel like this is not right I don’t know what to do

Gabby: Take a break yourself — go out with friends; find someone more suited to you.

Andy: okay ,but what do I tell him?

Gabby: He’s on a break – tell him nothing.

Gabby: He can’t have it both ways.

Andy: okay. I don’t want him to think that I will always be available to him whenever he wants to come back to me

Gabby: Exactly. Don’t be a doormat. Take this opportunity to see how you feel.

Andy: okay I will thank you so much.. I think I want to tell him that I’m breaking up with him for good, should I?

Gabby: No – don’t burn your bridges. All you are doing is saucing the goose as the gander is sauced

Alex is typing…

Andy: okay well, Thank you

Gabby: You’re very welcome.

 

gabby-4never quite number one

 

Gabby: Hello. How can I help you?

Mandy: hello, I would like to ask your advice on what you think I should do about my boyfriend

Gabby: Fire away.

Mandy: well I have been with him for over a year now and he has just informed me that he loves someone else as well as me and I don’t know what I should do, do you have any suggestions?

Gabby: He’s been seeing this other woman for long?

Mandy: he had dated her before me but not while he has been with me- he’s not been cheating

Gabby: Sounds like a man who hedges his bets. How could he have changed his mind about her without seeing her?

Mandy: he sees her around quite a lot and I really don’t know

Gabby: My point exactly. I suspect he’s trying to let you down easy. Either way, he’s untrustworthy. At the very least, deny sex — no reason he should be drinking from two fountains. And it will give you a clearer view of the relationship.

Mandy: right, ok thank you, and he says he loves her more than me but he still wants to be with me… what should I do about that?

Gabby: Dump him — it will hurt less, and you will maintain your dignity.

Mandy: fair point, but I think I love him too much to let go!

Gabby: You love him more than he does you. You will only make an ass of yourself trying to hold on.

Gabby: How old are you?

Mandy: well, that’s true

Mandy: I am 19

Gabby: Oh, good heavens, girl — go out there and MINGLE while you’re young and pretty.

Gabby: Tell him you want unconditional love and he is incapable of giving you that.

Mandy: but I have never felt like this towards some one before.

Mandy: and he is completely capable of that he has been for the past year anyway!

Gabby: Not true — he was holding on to feelings for the other woman. And you will feel like that and more if you find the right man.

Mandy: well I guess so but I don’t think it is possible to love somebody more than I love him.

Gabby: You’d be surprised. Think about yourself for a bit — is there some reason you like being a victim?

Mandy: a victim of what?

Gabby: Of his mistreatment of you.

Mandy: I don’t like it one bit

Gabby: Then STOP it!

Mandy: but I love him so very much!

Gabby: What do you have to gain by holding on to someone who loves someone else more?

Mandy: fair point

Gabby: It is not attractive to be overemotional and beating on one’s breast — and it closes off better opportunities.

Mandy: I guess so

Gabby: It may not be what you wanted to hear, but remember I have decades of experience and never found a method to make someone un-love another.

Mandy: thank you for your help

Gabby: You could always hold on to the thought that he might return to you — but not if you are a clinging vine now. Believe me, you have more strength than you realize. And better things are on their way. Flex those muscles; it’s always hardest in the beginning. But if you act a particular way it soon becomes real.

definition of a desperate man

Businessman Thinking on StepsHe feels that he had failed in all aspects of his life. His wife divorced him thirty years ago, and all attempts at romantic liaisons since have failed. His kids don’t even talk to him, being only polite when he reaches out. He bounced from job to job; when he finally found a job that paid well and he liked, his health failed for him, and he was stranded on Social Security Disability. His house got foreclosed, and he had to submit to bankruptcy. He has few friends, and they are scattered around the country. He moved to a place he could afford and possibly get work; no work has showed up in five years.

His bosses, wife, children and acquaintances are constantly telling him what a bad person he is – rude, uncaring, superior, suffocating – and rarely are the criticisms given with gentility. He doesn’t know how to shore up his depleted self-esteem, and has gotten so depressed that he doesn’t even want to try. He is ashamed to admit to friends or professionals how much he hates himself, afraid he will fall apart, as well as look self-pitying.

Escape comes from sleeping and reading. But the sleeping is difficult, and if he wakes from a good dream, he is depressed when seeing reality; if he wakes from a bad dream, the bad emotions linger on.

He clings to those things he enjoys, actually reliving them to try to “refeel” the satisfaction – fishing, the vegetables he grows, his phone conversations with close friends.

He even planned out his suicide. There are a few details to work out yet, like managing to have someone find the body. But the closer he gets to finalizing these plans the more scared he gets. It takes a lot of nerve to off oneself.

There is not enough energy left in him to try to seek happiness, surcease or death.

Naughty words

cussin-1This morning a friend and I were swapping anecdotes about our childhood language goofs.

Leslie explained that when she was little, she had 8 siblings. So, other than a one-fell-swoop family party, individual birthdays were only celebrated on the fifth and twelfth years. This was mainly a financial compromise, but Leslie was told that this practice was “the law”. In first grade, a classmate mentioned that she was going to have aparty for her 7th birthday. Leslie got all upset and warned her classmate not to do this because she’d be arrested by the police!

Leslie also mentioned that her mother was explaining that “shit” is not a curse (in the biblical sense). So she waltzed around the neighborhood saying “sh**…sh**…sh**…sh**…”cussin-2

When I was in elementary school, my neighbor Junie came over and explained to me that she had had her mouth washed out with soap the day before because she called her little sister a bitch, as she had often heard me call Junie. I was shocked. I explained that “bitch” can’t possibly be a bad word — my mother calls me that all the time.

cussin-3On to my son. When he was around 7 or 8, he had another little boy over, playing in the house. I walked past the bathroom to hear the boys laughing uncontrollably. I snuck up to the door to listen in. They were practicing their bad words, and as each word was uttered it engendered another spate of laughter: “poop … [hilarity] … poo … [hilarity … number 2 … [hilarity] … piss … [hilarity] … boob … [hilarity}…” and more.

I raised my children to understand that there are words that are not necessarily curses, but are bad words to use, like “shut up”, “asshole” and so on. One day my son came home from elementary school and confessed to me that he got so mad at a classmate that he used “the J word.” I was at a loss; couldn’t figure out what he meant. Finally he whispered it to me: “jerk”.

 

 

Illustrations courtesy of Microsoft clip art.

Yet another tribute to Robin Williams

as Mork in Mork & Mindy. 1978

as Mork in Mork & Mindy. 1978

When I was 32 and freshly divorced, I said what I needed was a 35-year-old rich hippie (not that rich and hippie were easily found together). That same year, who should I discover but Robin Williams, who was not only rich and a hippie; he was also five years younger than me and extremely intelligent. Who could ask for more? Well, it would have helped if he was on the east coast …

Nonetheless I became an instant fan of his mind and talent, watching him on HBO, regular TV stations, and in interviews, and collecting VHS tapes of his movies.

To quote Charlie Rose, “He had the fastest time between brain and tongue I’ve ever seen.”(2014) The only person I have ever seen who could keep up with Robin’s mental speed – and even keep Robin on his toes – was John Ritter. I often would repeat to friends the interview Williams had with Rona Jaffe. She had asked him about his childhood and he started on one of his rolls, complete with déjà vu references. He left Jaffe in the dust and she didn’t even realize it.

His death by apparent suicide does not entirely surprise me. Brilliant people often fight demons on a regular basis. As he said in an interview after one of his rehab visits, when you violate your standards faster than you can lower them, it’s time for rehab.

Robin-6Robin Williams not only demonstrated a remarkable sense of humor (as Mork, throwing the eggs in the air – “You’re free now!”), but he was one of the rare comedians who transitioned into making worthwhile movies, and even winning an academy award. Not all of his movies won critical or popular acclaim, but he was willing to delve into anything, and a lot of his work is underrated, in my opinion. Who hasn’t, at some time, shouted, “Good Morning, VietNam!!” — from 1987)? And Dead Poets Society (1989) is arguably one of the greatest films of all time.

It also delights me that people in recent times have started sharing a lot of Williams’ wisdom, thereby recognizing his brilliance.

I never got my rich hippie for myself, but the world is a much better place for having him. Most of his movies will be played over and over. One of the most popular, Mrs. Doubtfire, has a piece in it that I use constantly, although very few people even remember it. When in the restaurant, Mrs. Doubtfire drops her false teeth into a man’s water glass; while trying to retrieve them, she says “carpe dentum”, a take-off on his famous carpe deum statement in Dead Poets Society. This was an example of how Williams constantly related all things around him to all other things.

Unfortunately, people will remember his humor more than his wisdom. I can only hope that today’s tributes and remembrances will recruit a slew of new followers.

We need to control the American oil companies

I just wanted to make an appeal for the Western New York citizens which I feel will help the entire country’s economy. In Rochester, gas prices are higher than the national average. Not all of us can afford to purchase an hybrid automobile, and since this is a rural area, we depend a lot on gasoline to get around.

I support Obama’s attempts to at least move the source of oil to the United States. However, the oil companies of America, as they have always done in the past, are taking advantage of incentives, yet pushing gas prices higher and higher. I would like to see Congress put some control over the American oil industry just as they did the banks, to push the prices back down and stop improper practices. Just watch the stock prices in the past four years and you can see that American oil companies are blossoming, off the back of people out of work or on a fixed income.

This is not the final solution – we really need the automotive industry to develop alternate energy sources such as hydrogen cars. But they are loath to do this without their own incentives. Meanwhile, the American citizens – for that matter, citizens all over the world – are limited to gasoline-burning transportation.

The last time there was a gasoline crunch, I learned that gasoline prices were geared to the neighborhood — the supply companies would charge the individual gas station owners an amount that they thought the neighborhood could bear; gas station owners would charge as little as possible in profit because they knew people were shopping around for the best price.