He feels that he had failed in all aspects of his life. His wife divorced him thirty years ago, and all attempts at romantic liaisons since have failed. His kids don’t even talk to him, being only polite when he reaches out. He bounced from job to job; when he finally found a job that paid well and he liked, his health failed for him, and he was stranded on Social Security Disability. His house got foreclosed, and he had to submit to bankruptcy. He has few friends, and they are scattered around the country. He moved to a place he could afford and possibly get work; no work has showed up in five years.
His bosses, wife, children and acquaintances are constantly telling him what a bad person he is – rude, uncaring, superior, suffocating – and rarely are the criticisms given with gentility. He doesn’t know how to shore up his depleted self-esteem, and has gotten so depressed that he doesn’t even want to try. He is ashamed to admit to friends or professionals how much he hates himself, afraid he will fall apart, as well as look self-pitying.
Escape comes from sleeping and reading. But the sleeping is difficult, and if he wakes from a good dream, he is depressed when seeing reality; if he wakes from a bad dream, the bad emotions linger on.
He clings to those things he enjoys, actually reliving them to try to “refeel” the satisfaction – fishing, the vegetables he grows, his phone conversations with close friends.
He even planned out his suicide. There are a few details to work out yet, like managing to have someone find the body. But the closer he gets to finalizing these plans the more scared he gets. It takes a lot of nerve to off oneself.
There is not enough energy left in him to try to seek happiness, surcease or death.