I recently reconnected with the man who has been the love of my life for about fifty years. Every once in a while, like my brother, we connect. And like my brother, the conversation is as alive as if we were never separated. Maybe that’s what they mean by soulmates; in some ways we are always together. He and I have battled our separate demons throughout the decades. And on occasion we have battled each other, especially when we hold on to old visions of each other. With the little time we do spend together, old assumptions are usually dispelled but there isn’t enough time to build new assumptions. We barely get enough time to catch up on the other’s history.
What I do assume is that he is happy, and successful. I care enough to let that continue, just hoping that when he is not happy he will contact me. Although, I would prefer to continue our connection even when he is doing well. I still love and spend time with male friends, even if they have other romantic involvements. After all, there are many layers of love; with luck, we get to live with them all.
Being a bit of a loner, and very self-protective for a load of ugly reasons, I always seem to miss the boat. I don’t recognize when people value me as a friend, and apparently discourage men who want to be more than that. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons I don’t like to look back – I see all my failures. When there was success, it was due to the proactive actions of the other people – I tend to assume I’m not that valuable to them.
Most likely it’s the fates. As a Taoist, I believe that the world spins its web by a universal plan, and for the people who slip through my fingers, they are destined to find happiness without me. I recently saw a saying that when we meet someone, at least one of you will affect the other. I can only hope that my effect on others is a good one.